I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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