i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
