So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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