ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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