Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
