I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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