here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
