so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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