Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
