Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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