Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
