You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
