If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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