yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
