I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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