i'm signing you up for texting rehab
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
