I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
