A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
