Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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