Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
