I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
