just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
