I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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