he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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