Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
