I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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