she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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