I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
