I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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