last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
