matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
