Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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