i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize