In America we eat man semen.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
