Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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