Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
