I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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