Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
