Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
