Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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