Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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