he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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