How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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