After last night, I could never be a politician.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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