remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
