How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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