I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
