arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I party with great urgency now.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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