he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just pee around me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize