I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The air was thick with penises
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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