life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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