the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
