It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
