Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Alive.
So much puke
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
