Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
