Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
