You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
