The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
