I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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