i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
time to smoke my breakfast
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
