it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
