Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
