Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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